Life as a Sport: Fluidity

Around 16, I started to come out to myself more seriously. My next step was to come out to my high school friends. At first, I focused on sexuality and not my gender. There was confusion on my end because I only ever heard about lesbian, gay and bisexual people. What little exposure I had to the trans community was negative and not accurate. Identifying as a lesbian, specifically a butch lesbian, didn’t fully encompass who I was as a person but I stuck it out with the lesbian community for many years because I was lacking the proper terminology and needed any support I could get.

When I came out as bisexual, I heard talk of “sides,” how “bisexuality doesn’t exist,” and “it’s a phase” arguments from some of my friends whom I trusted. Some of these same people were self-identified lesbians and gay men. Why was my own community policing and trying to restrict me? I thought the community was about breaking traditional stereotypes, labels or molds.

Becoming attracted to another butch caused more chaos. “Who is the real butch?” “Who really wears the pants?” My life felt like it became a joke for these same friends and I didn’t understand why they got stuck on the butch-femme dynamic or why they would ask these questions in the first place. It was okay for two femmes to be together but not two butch lesbians? Again, I felt so trapped and restricted but kept going along with the punches. I figured some day it would all make sense to me and I’d find a community somewhere. Certainly not everyone felt that way? Maybe just those few friends did? I cared what they thought of me and it hurt immensely.

I tried to stick with the lesbian label by going to clubs and events but spent that time not feeling whole or like I wasn’t representing myself accurately. After stumbling across Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg, I hit a moment where I realized I needed to explore my gender identity before my sexual one. This opened a whole new world for me as I learned about the trans community and how trans is an umbrella term to encompass different gender identities and expressions. Gender identity and expression became my focus of study and things started to click for me. Once I came across the term “genderqueer,” I was sold. Here was a gender identity that said, “Restrictions? No, thank you.” At least, that’s how it pans out in my head. My sexuality fell into place when I heard the term “queer.” Queer for me means that it goes further than bisexuality to encompass all gender identities… not just male and female. Now, I openly identify as both genderqueer and queer. In short, I don’t ascribe to the archetype of male or female gender roles and I am attracted to certain personality traits and qualities. Oh, and I attracted new and healthier friends into my life.